I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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