You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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