Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
