We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
