Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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