I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
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