you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Quick, to the slutcave!
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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