He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
