I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I can't turn off my feet"
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
