I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Randomize
