OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize