So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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