She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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