I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
You dont lie about slip and slides
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
