TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
