how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
