youre lurking in front of me
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize