It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Randomize
