LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
