just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
