So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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