I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
