I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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