What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Randomize
