@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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