I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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