i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Two words: blizzard sex
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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