she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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