Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
