Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Randomize