Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
