is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
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