I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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