I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
