I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Randomize
