So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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