Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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