I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
