just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
