just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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