He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
