There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
