I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
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