I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
