I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
