shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
