Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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