Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
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