he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
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