I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
