my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
me + whiskey = a bad person
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
