Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
