Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
should my penis look like a turkey
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
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