I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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