I think I won the penis lottery.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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