Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize