Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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