Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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