She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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