we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Randomize
