Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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