I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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