People with herpes should wear stickers.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
