I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
