i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize