I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
